October 2009
45 posts
Horseshit
I hate that ladies think they can grow up to be successful scientists. (This notion is completely preposterous. It’s like saying women should be in politics. )
"You Should Model. (Seriously!)"
I hate speaking to people with lazy eyes because I never know where to look. I find myself overcompensating [TRANSLATION: I make unnecessary and excessive compliments on their “magnificent eyes”] and things tend to get awkward.
______, Crackle, Pop
I hate the phrase, “Oh, Snap.” What the fuck does it mean? And why is every faggot west of the Mississippi saying it more than the words, “The doctor will see you now”? (From what I hear, role play is real big around the holidays.)
But I Don't Care What You Want, Stranger-Person
I hate when I have the window seat on a flight and the clown sitting in the middle and/or aisle seat thinks they can control the window.
WatchI hate that the automated parking machine at Beverly Center speaks in a British accent. Who was the brainchild behind this [ridiculous] idea? It’s not as though automated parking machines in say, Piccadilly Circus, have a man from Brooklyn dictating the instructions. (I mean, can you imagine such nonsense?) “Yo. What up? Not for nuttin’, but uh….uh… thanks for...
The Assassination of the English Language
I hate when someone writes, “Thanks, darlin’.” (Unless that someone is a cowboy-person. Cowboy persons have free reign when it comes to saying words sans the ‘g’ [of ‘-ing’ fame].) NOTE TO ALL NON-OUTLAWS: Please try and refrain from writin’ the word darlin’ since it’s just an email and not a fucking rodeo.
Trick-or-Treat
I hate when hobos go through my trash. So much so, that I’ve been planting razor blades in apples.
True or False?
I hate most all most babies.
You Shut Your Mouth
I hate pushy broads.
Untitled
I hate metamorphosis.
Get Outta My Pocket (Get Into My Car)
I hate the phrase “Out of Pocket”. And I don’t mean “out of pocket” as in “I’m out of pocket $50 because no one told me I had to pay for the cat food.” But rather, “I’m going to be out of the office and out of pocket for the next 24 hours so please don’t call me.”
What the fuck does this mean? And who on earth started this...
..: .:... ::.. .... :.: . ...:.
I hate that braille doesn’t make sense to those of us who can see. I think the blind are planning something.
What We Are Not: Ashford & Simpson, Mork & Mindy,...
Usually, my Facebook ads are on point. It’s like Facebook knows me and knows what I want before I even know I want it. Why just the other day, I was thinking about [possibly] playing tennis (it didn’t happen) and that VERY day Facebook suggested I get my racket re-strung. And on another occasion, it suggested something about adopting a small child. (I had just watched Rudy.) Today, it...
Cool Rider: Christian Audigier To Appear in...
I hate that this old man puts himself in all of his ads.
[See exhibits A and B below.]
Um…Christian Audigier, you’re not Oprah. She’s only allowed to put herself on the cover of “O” every month because she’s rich, a black and buys houses for poor people.
WatchI hate that his walk isn’t gayer.
A Picture's Worth A Thousand Words
I hate when people who are tall and thin automatically assume they are hot because they are tall and thin. Look in a mirror, you have a face.
Frank's A Liar
I have a friend [AHEM. Excuse me, a “friend”) who is always bragging about her husband. First of all, no one likes a bragger. Second, trust me when I say there is nothing to brag about there… I mean, in some circles (really small, almost miniscule circles) Frank’s considered to be a lovely guy. But to be frank, I’m shocked he’s even able to get out of bed and...
I'm Sorry, I Can't Hear You
I hate that I got a cease & desist letter in the mail.
(Praise Jesus Shim's Not in A Bikini)
I hate how much double-jointed freaks people freak me out. (And lady swimmers.)
Rape!
I hate when I’m in the shower (more specifically, a shower that has a shower curtain) and the curtain sort of starts blowing (in wind that wasn’t there before I got in the shower [Err…can someone, maybe a scientist or wizard-like person please explain this phenomenon to me?]) and attacks me as I’m trying to clean myself.
Oh Yes, I'll Have Another
I hate that my sweatpants don’t fit.
Walking Petri Dish
I hate toe rings. Nothing says, “I LOVED THE LILITH FAIR!” and “I LIVE IN A TRAILER!” quite like the toe ring.
What? Are You Asian?
I hate people who honk at me AFTER I’ve honked at them for being retard drivers. Um… I’m not honking to say hello. (We don’t know each other.) I’m honking because you drive like a dick.
1. I hate the cover of this book. 2. I hate the name of this book. 3. We ALL know “Ditto” is some sort of euphemism for David Cross. 4. #3 is creepy. 5. I hate that she has a publisher. 6. I hate that she’s no longer speaking to God. 7. (I much prefer her as Joan of Arcadia.) 8. I hate that Joan of Arcadia isn’t on the air any more. 9. (Fuck you, CBS.) 10. No 10.
Tell Someone Who Cares
I hate when people think you’re better friends with them than you actually are.
Morning Becomes Ethnic
I hate when they play ethnic music on KCRW.
Even More From Our (Favorite) Facebook Couple
More With the Possessive [Pronoun]
I hate when I’m at a store and I ask a salesperson if they have something and they answer “I don’t carry that.” Or conversely, “I have plenty of that.”
[Let’s go to the videotape.]
Earlier today I was at Target. I asked an unassuming gentleman if they had any cable organizers and his reply was, “Oooohh… I don’t have any of those.”...
Get A Purse, Hobo
I hate when ladies let their keys dangle from their belt loops. Um… you’re a lady, not a janitor.
(We're Not All Athletes)
I hate that elevators typically don’t have benches.